Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
