hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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