I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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