My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
