you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
