well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize