In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
