Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
