highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
