she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
