And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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