you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
