Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
