I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Watching her eat just hurts me
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
