Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
