I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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