I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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