i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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