Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
