I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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