The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
