Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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