When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
