She just used a chaser for red wine.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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