at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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