I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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