I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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