So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
