I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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