Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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