i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
