how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
