cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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