yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
