he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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