Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
