i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
