Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
