i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
