True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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