i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
