i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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