Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
