sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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