I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
