Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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