My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So many bounce houses so little time
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
