By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
