you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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