From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
