just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
