You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
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He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
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Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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