You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He has the fingertips of a God
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