I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?