just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.