if i can run in heels then i can drive
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.