At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.