Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
