as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
