I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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